Sunday, August 17, 2008

British Birdwatching Fair 2008 - includes Ivory-billed Woodpecker sighting, and monstrous hybrid. And now... sweetie porn!

It was too good to be true. I should have known. I was packed and loaded into my armoured limo for the journey back to my rightful position as comrade/chairman/dictator of my Central American soviet republic. Fawning henchmen dressed me in my full ceremonial regalia - in truth the alarm bells should have rung when I noticed it was a blue polo shirt. I did ask, but they had a very good explanation. At least it seemed very good at the time, although I was drunk on power and Diamond White. Again. They gave me a nice drink that made me sleep through the entire flight. I thought there was a flight. Then into a blackout truck, I arrived back at what they told me was Victory Square in our glorious liberated country's capital. I stepped out into the light and realisation hit. F****** h***!!! I was back at the bloody British Birdwatching Fair for another year. It had all been a cunning ruse. Sometime I wonder if the doctors are right, and I don't actually own a Central American republic.

So back at the Bird Fair, where I met everyone the same as last year, though we're all a year older. And also some new people. People who read the Secret Freezer!!! Hello to you all. Shamefully I didn't get all your names and addresses so I could send the begging letters. But you're all wonderful, and fantastically good looking, I may add. Which is another point. Don't get me started, but birders... where do you get all that hair???? As usual, I had a very nice time and some fantastic chats. I ticked Stephen Menzie, and then he won the raffle AND I didn't have to fix it.

Some random Bird Fair photos...

Top artist Clive Byers wearing the world's best shirt. It must be the artistic temperament.

But what's this... sighting of Ivory-billed Woodpecker in the 'preventing extinctions' tableau!! Bit late for that, old boy. :-O


Prevent bird crime. And stop heavy petting by dead Redfoots.

British Birds stand. In this photo... Richard Chandler, Robin Prytherch's bum, and Hazel Jenner's legs.

British Birds Jelly Babies. Higher quality than normal jelly babies on account of full peer review.

You can tell I was not happy about this.

Stand of popular glossy women's magazine, Birdwatching.

Eugh... a monstrous hybrid. That Ivory-billed Woodpecker has been mating with the cygnets. No one except possibly Gary Glitter would approve.

Secret filming at the British Bird Fair, revealing unequivocal evidence of gratuitous art, Ivory-billed Woodpecker, Chris Packham not knowing anything about Hawk Owls, and me cutting out just before bumping into Bill Oddie cos I didn't want to make him grumpy.

and this is for Hazel. Another boring brown bird - Garden Warbler Sylvia borin. See, it has 'boring' woven right into the name!!

Original here.

When I got home, as usual everyone had been letting the dead ?mice? go to waste. Gain a grip, you guys!!

And btw, have you ever been frustrated by not being able to combine your interest in refreshing chewy sweeties with your interest in sexually provocative cartoon fruits?? Let's face it... we've all been there. Well frustrate no more! Ladies and Jellyspoons, I bring you sweets that are flaunting themselves openly on the shelves at ASDA. It's a disgrace. I mean.. look!

And if that wasn't bad enough, this is disgusting.


Katie said...

I was one of the people who said hello. I was with the bloke who'd lost his copy of BB which had his note in it (idiot). The jelly babies were good, by the way.

Stephen Menzie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephen Menzie said...

And an Eskimo Curlew, both of them drawn by the same Hungarian artist! Maybe he knows something we don't...

P.S. That jelly baby was rather nice.

P.P.S. My mum is now claiming that book should be hers since she paid for the raffle ticket...

Harry said...

Hi 'Papa' Doc,
Don't believe the lies spread by imperialist CIA-backed so-called 'doctors' who tell you that you aren't actually in charge of a Central American country: it's all part of a ruse to get you to go into exile in Newtonhill, while they install a puppet government (i.e. Sooty as El Presidente, Parker 'yes, 'mlady' as Minister for Transport, Emu as Minister for War etc) in your place.
The only doctors you should listen to are your own good self, Dr Who (but not when he looks like Colin Baker), and Dr Spock (though not MR Spock, logical though he may seem). Dr Crippen has been discredited...
Viva la revolucion!

Harry said...

Did you meet any of the visiting Irish birders at the fair, be they just attending (some friends of mine) or at one of the stalls (KM)?

Martin said...

I remember Katie - I didn't know it was the same Katie who is bogbumper. But I do now! Stephen's Mum *does* deserve the book - it's kind of repayment for giving you the gift of life, and as the other ticket said 'Stephen Menzie's Mum' on it, it would have been much funnier if Hazel had had to track her down. And I met 'KM', in fact I think I met all 30000 people there for the first time. If I meet them a second time, it'll be to apologise.

Rick said...

I'd been hoping to run into you and ended up too harried--next year!
All the best,