Saturday, September 09, 2006

Mystic Martin

Your horoscopes for 10-16 September


With Pluto moving into Saturn, you will be prone to jitters about that funny Gropper you wrote off in the sedges behind the beach car park. On Sunday morning, check the bushes behind the vicarage. You are submissive to Taurus this week, so should not attempt to identify terns on seawatches.

Lucky colour: Tawny.


Your fortune is rising, and you should concentrate on identification of birds in the genus Tringa, especially on Monday morning. Beware of tall pale Pelicans, as verily they are all escapes, and no mistake. Do not go birding with men wearing fluorescent orange lycra leggings. Tuesday is a good day to find love in a bus shelter.

Lucky colour: Olive.


You can do no wrong this weekend, and should make giant leaps on your list. On Saturday you should decide that you might as well tick the Wells Indigo Bunting, because Ramsey was just too out of the way. Use your new-found peace of mind to come clean about that Fea’s where you had to ‘tidy up’ your notes after the event.

Lucky colour: Rufous.


You have been a bad boy but there is still time to make amends. Remember that small dark thrush that flew into the bushes at Fazarkerley and make chinking noises like a Blackbird… and you ticked it as Siberian and shook hands with your neighbour to celebrate your double tick, the other one being that Little Bunting that was surprisingly similar to reedie, until it hit your notebook? I’m going to leave you in a room with a bottle of whisky, your Leica list of British birds, and a rubber. I think you know what you have to do.

Lucky colour: Vinaceous


Sorry, but you are going to make a complete arse of yourself this week. You should avoid identifying anything in public. Do not attempt to sketch anything and keep ‘Brian’ away from your notebook at all costs. DO NOT PUT YOUR PHOTOS ON SURFBIRDS!

Lucky colour: Octarine


You will feel the urge to check the sycamores around the school playing field, but should resist. True happiness will be found on the dry stone wall behind Cripple Annie’s cottage, overlooking the bay.

Lucky Colour: Straw


With Uranus plonked firmly on the settee, you will see no birds this weekend. It’s time to understand the strong light streaming through the window is the outside World, full of interesting Phylloscs. Take a leap…go birding! There IS life after Steve Irwin.

Lucky colour: Mint green


Mars will dominate your actions this weekend, fatty. Aggressive encounters with arrogant t*sspots in the hide at Aberogwen are guaranteed. You will attempt to string a Snowy Egret.

Lucky colour: Slate


You are getting very stressed over a Semipalmated sandpiper. Remember that it is only a tart’s tick, and if you claim to have seen one already no one is going to quiz you very closely about which one. Don’t mention Pagham Harbour…it wasn’t one, probably, and we all know that. Did you tick the 1990 Sandwich Bay Citrine too? I think you did. You should join your Cancer pal in the darkened room.

Lucky colour: toast.


I know what you strung last summer….

Lucky colour: whatever you call the browny colour of ten pound notes…. Cos unless you find a stash of them and send them this way pronto, I’m going to tell, and you’ll never show your face around Llandyfnod again.


I know what you ringed last summer. Ffs! It’s very simple…. it’s not an Aquatic! Venus is in the ascendant, leaving you to decide between your spouse and your birding. And let’s face it, when you hold him/her in a good light, how cute are they, really? And what can they do for you that a Northern Parula can’t? You’ve bought them a house, so they can’t complain…off you go.

Lucky colour: Buffy


You have wasted your summer looking at creepy crawlies, but now is the time to come out of your shell. On Wednesday you will sit in a comfy RSPB hide and spout authoritatively, and at some considerable volume, on identification issues about which you know little or nothing. On Thursday you will string a Citrine Wagtail, but you won’t even have the decency to string a greyish Yellow Wag: oh no…, you’ll go the whole hog with a juvvy Pied. I hope McKinney doesn’t twitch it, for your sake.

Lucky colour: Grey.

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